I'm Not Okay (I Promise)
by Self-Inflicted Insanity
Summary: L is dead and Light has taken his place; it would be suspicious indeed if Light were okay with that. But the entire team can attest to the fact that he's not.


**AN:** Basically I wrote this because I wanted to tie up a few little loose ends I felt were left floating in the transition after L's death before the timeskip. This story probably takes place like a month or so after L's death.

The title of this story is from the song by by My Chemical Romance. But this story isn't actually based on the song at all; I just thought the title fit, and in a different way than it fits the song. In terms of this story the title is meant to be ironic.

MATSUDA'S POV IS REALLY DIFFICULT TO WRITE THOUGH, GUYS. I hope I did okay.

* * *

 **I'm Not Okay (I Promise)**

* * *

Matsuda would be the first to admit that his deduction abilities were nowhere near the level of L and Light, but even he had noticed that recently Light had been… different.

He was no longer the bright, optimistic young man who'd joined the Task Force in order to bring Kira to justice.

His face had lost its childish roundness, cheekbones becoming sharp and defined, and his clothes hung looser from his frame, and Matsuda wondered if he wasn't eating. It could almost have been passed over for normal maturation, if not for the fact that he no longer smiled, and for the way his eyes had hardened, disillusioned and guarded. It didn't help that he never really saw Light eat, either.

Light would spend late nights awake in front of the computer screen, and Matsuda was seeing shadows of L in the way that Light would sometimes hunch like he could feel the entire weight of the world on his shoulders, the way the suggestion of dark bags were forming under his eyes.

It was one such late night, and the rest of the Task Force was sitting on the couch of Light's apartment, drinking coffee and discussing the case in subdued voices.

They were going over everything they knew (which wasn't, at that point, very much), and Matsuda found himself unable to listen, gaze continually pulled back to Light.

Light was working at his desk, fingers typing quickly on the keys, unceasing. He'd neglected to turn on the desklamp, and the computer screen cast a sickly glow on his skin, harsh shadows stretched over his eyesockets and caught between his tense lips. His mug of coffee sat on the desk next to him, untouched.

That puzzled Matsuda for a moment—surely Light was tired from working so hard, and would be drinking the coffee—before he remembered that Light had been too busy to get sugar, and the drink was likely too bitter.

Brightening at his deductive abilities, Matsuda took the bowel of sugar cubes off the coffee table and walked over, offering them. "Sugar, Light-kun?"

Light's glanced at him, before looking back at the screen, fingers never stilling on the keys. "No thank you, Matsuda. Sugar makes me feel sick."

Matsuda frowned at that. Sure, Light had never taken as many sugarcubes Ryuzaki, who'd taken more sugar than coffee, but he'd still always taken some. Since when had sugar made him feel sick? Was he falling ill, and that was the reason he wasn't drinking the coffee and wasn't eating much?

"Are you okay, Light?" Matsuda asked concernedly.

Light's fingers stilled, the absence of clicking keys causing the conversation around the coffee table to go silent. Matsuda got the all-too-familiar twist in his gut that he'd said something wrong.

"Am I okay?" Light repeated, quiet. "Of course I'm okay, Matsuda. Why wouldn't I be okay?"

"Well…" Matsuda said, uncomfortable. "You must be tired… since you're now doing both L's job, and Watari's… what with Ryuzaki's death…"

Light was looking down, hair in his face and hands clenching. "Yes, Ryuzaki is dead," he repeated, like an echo. "Ryuzaki is dead." His shoulders started shaking and his breath hitched.

"Light…?" Matsuda asked, eyes widening. "Are you crying?" He hadn't meant to make Light cry!

Light was leaning forward in his chair, fists clenched in the fabric of his pants. "Ryuzaki is dead," he said again, voice breaking, "and now I'm all alone…"

"But you're not alone!" Matsuda protested. "You have us," he gestured behind him, at Chief Yagami, Aizawa, and Mogi sitting on the couch, "the rest of the Task Force!"

"You don't understand!" Light shouted, lurching to his feet and slamming his hand down on the desk, glaring. "How could you, possibly?!"

Matsuda took a step back, alarmed. What was Light talking about…?

"Light," Chief Yagami said severely, standing to his feet as well.

"How could you possibly have any idea what it's like, to live your entire life surrounded by people but still completely alone?!" Light shouted, eyes desperate and wild, voice rising. "To have absolutely nobody who could hold a conversation at your level, through no fault of their own?! How could any of you _possibly_ understand what that feels like?" His eyes were glistening, tears trailing down his cheeks. "How could you understand what it feels like to finally, _finally_ , find someone who can keep up with you, and then to have that person _ripped away_ before you even had the chance to really know them?!"

Light trembled, and Matsuda and the rest of the Task Force could only stare in surprise.

It struck Matsuda that Light was basically calling them all idiots—not that he wasn't used to getting called an idiot—but at the same time, he knew that Light wasn't trying to insult them.

He'd always thought that Light was incredible, with his intelligence and deductive abilities, and that it must be really nice to be that smart—but he'd never considered that it hadn't been easy for Light, and how lonely he must have been.

"Light! Calm down!" Chief Yagami said again, louder, and Light choked back his tears, covering his face with his hands and curling in on himself in a way that reminded Matsuda of when he'd been detained in a cell under suspicion of being Kira, before he'd been cleared (well, half-cleared and chained to Ryuzaki…)

"Ryuzaki was my one true friend…" Light said through his fingers, voice shaking as he desperately tried to quell his sobs. "Even if he spent most of the time we knew each other believing I was Kira, it still… even when he suspected me of being Kira, I never felt like he hated me… and I… for the first time in my life, I didn't feel alone…" Light made a sound that was half-laugh, half-sob, and when his hands lowered from his face his fingers were wet.

Matsuda wanted to say something, but there was nothing he could say. He could not offer Light the kind of intellectual stimulation he'd found in Ryuzaki.

He glanced at the rest of the Task Force, but they all looked just as lost about what to do as he felt.

"The Kira case has been both the best and the worst thing that has ever happened to me," Light said then, tone bitter, and Matsuda's gut twisted. He had to say _something._

"I… uh…" Matsuda started awkwardly. He reached out to squeeze Light's shoulder, to offer some kind of comfort, but Light was still trembling, and Matsuda thought better of it. "I'm sorry, Light," he said instead, wishing he could do more.

He was struck, too, with the realization that Light was, after all, only eighteen. It was hard to remember sometimes, with how intelligent he was and how mature he acted, but he really was much younger than the rest of them. And not only that, but he wasn't a part of the police force, and had probably never seen anyone die in front of him before. And for him to have his friend die like that in his arms…

"I'm sorry," Light said softly, and Matsuda turned back to see him collapsed in his desk chair, a hand still over his face. "I should not have let my emotions get the best of me." He took a deep, shuddering breath. "Ryuzaki is dead, but here I am—here we all are—still alive. That should be enough reason to be grateful, should it not?"

"It's natural to feel grief, son," Chief Yagami said, doing what Matsuda couldn't and walking over to place a comforting hand on Light's shoulder.

Light took another shuddering breath before his hand slipped from his face, and he looked up at them with red eyes. "Why do you think Kira killed Ryuzaki and Watari?" he asked quietly.

Matsuda glanced at the others to make sure it wasn't just him that didn't understand why Light was asking that, but they all looked confused as well.

"Because they were in his way…" Matsuda said uncertainly, because it was obvious, and surely Light knew the reason. Yet whenever Ryuzaki had asked something that seemed obvious, it usually ended up being a trick question…

"But we are in his way too, are we not?" Light said, getting up from his chair and starting to stride back and forth across the room. "Why would he kill only Ryuzaki and Watari, but not kill us? Kira needs a name, after all, and Ryuzaki kept his a well-guarded secret. If Kira found out L's name, he probably has already found out ours, as well."

Matsuda felt a jolt of alarm. That was right…!

Light stopped, turning to stare at them, his gaze hard despite the way his eyes still glistened. "Why didn't he kill us as well, then? Take us all out at once?"

"Uhh..." Matsuda said, searching for an answer but finding none. He looked at the others, but again they had no more answers than he did—which at least made him feel a little relief that it wasn't just him who was clueless. Being the only clueless person was the worst… he was of the mind that cluelessness liked company.

"The only possible reason," Light continued, "is that he doesn't see us as a threat. That he felt only Ryuzaki and Watari threatened his existence."

Matsuda blinked. Oh. Now that Light said that, the answer seemed obvious…

Light began pacing again, hands clasped behind his back."That's why I'm avoiding confronting Kira. Because if he already knows our names, then the only thing keeping us safe is that he doesn't perceive us as a threat. So we must do all our work in complete secrecy, and hope that he forgets about us. We can't make any indication that we're still investigating the Kira case."

"Yes," Chief Yagami said. "I think we all agree on that."

"Kira has been getting busier," Aizawa said, looking like he felt sick. "Surely that at least means he won't have time to worry about us. He might even be more likely to slip up."

Light stopped in the middle of the floor, looking down, interlaced fingers clenching, shoulders and back tensing. "I should be grateful," he said quietly, "that Kira doesn't see me as a threat, should I not?"

"Well," Matsuda said, feeling like this was another trick question (why he always felt obliged to try to answer questions that were likely tricks, he didn't know). "Yes? I mean, he'll likely leave you alone, after all…"

"You're right of course, Matsuda," Light said, and Matsuda couldn't help but feel pleased. It hadn't been a trick question, after all! (And moments like this were exactly why he still felt obliged to answer., he was reminded.)

Light wasn't done talking, though. "But it's…" He unclasped his hands and brought them, shaking, to clench in his bangs. "It's _insulting."_ The words sounded painful coming out of his mouth, and his shoulders started to shake again. "Ryuzaki himself admitted I have the abilities to replace him. If that were truly the case, then," he looked up at them with agony in his eyes, " _Kira would have killed me, too."_

Matsuda felt stunned.

"Light!" Chief Yagami said, as Light fell to his knees, hiding his face in his hands.

"If Kira deemed me a threat, he would have killed me," Light choked out, and it was obvious he was trying not to start sobbing again. "But he didn't." He looked up at them, the tears once again streaking down his cheeks. "Why didn't Kira kill me?" he asked them through his tears. "Why is it that _Ryuzaki is dead,_ but _I'm_ still _here?"_ His voice was rising, eyes becoming more desperate. " _Why?!"_

"Light, stop this!" Chief Yagami said, striding over to him and taking his shoulders.

Light shuddered once and then broke down, leaning forward and resting his head against his father's chest, sobbing softly. _"_ It would have been better if Kira had killed _me_ instead..."

"Don't say that, Light," Chief Yagami said gruffly, rubbing his back. "Don't say that."

"But it would have been," Light said, pushing away from his father, rubbing furiously at his eyes. "If I'd died instead of Ryuzaki, you would all be closer to catching Kira..."

Matsuda felt sick, watching him. He'd had very similar thoughts regarding himself… after all, if they had to lose any member of the Task Force… it would be best if it were him. He was, after all, the most useless. So when Ryuzaki had died, Matsuda couldn't help but think that it should have been him—not Ryuzaki. Him.

But to think that Light also had those feelings…

"That's not true, Light!" Chief Yagami said, and Matsuda jumped. "You can't blame yourself for this!"

Even though Chief Yagami was addressing his son, Matsuda knew that the words applied to him too, and the chief's vehemence gladdened him, making him feel a little relief. The chief was right, after all.

Light was silent for several moments, and Matsuda figured he was having the same feeling.

"You're right, Dad," Light said. "Regretting the past will not do anything."

Matsuda knew that this was true, too.

"But I…" Light continued. "I don't know if I truly have what it takes…" He looked up at his dad, expression pleading. "if Kira didn't kill me, does that mean I'm not intelligent enough to be a threat?"

"I'm sure Kira just didn't realize how intelligent you are!" Matsuda blurted, feeling everything click into place in a way that was rather satisfying. "He probably thought it was all Ryuzaki!" It would make sense, after all. "L was the one who was challenging Kira directly—even if Kira knows who we all are, he probably doesn't know that L was making use of your deductive reasoning skills."

"That's right," Aizawa said, and Matsuda felt a warmth spread through him at being agreed with. "If Kira truly knows who we are, then he would also know that you're just a university student, and that you're probably only here because of your father."

"Let us hope that that is the case," Light said quietly. "For, as insulting as it is…" His hands clenched on his knees, and even though Light was kneeling, not crouching, Matsuda was again reminded of Ryuzaki. "At least I still have a chance to bring Kira to justice. To get revenge for everyone Kira has killed… for Ryuzaki… for my friend…"

It was the same vehement determination Matsuda had often heard in Ryuzaki's voice.

"We will," Matsuda assured him, feeling hope surge through him. "We definitely will." With Ryuzaki gone, he was sure they'd have no chance against Kira if not for Light—but with Light on their side, he knew that they would not fail to catch Kira.

"As long as I'm intelligent enough to pull it off..." Light murmured, almost too quiet to hear, and Matsuda was again reminded of just how young he was—and how brave he was for doing this.

"But you are, Light!" Matsuda assured him. Light was really selling himself short, and it hurt Matsuda to see someone he admired so much have so little confidence in himself. But then again, Matsuda hadn't had very much confidence in himself when he was eighteen…

Light took a deep breath, seeming to collect himself. "You asked if I was okay, Matsuda," he said, slowly standing back up, "and my answer is no... I'm not. I'm not okay." His fists clenched. "And as long as Kira is still out there," he said, tone hardening, "I will never be okay. Not until we catch him." There was a pause, and when he spoke again his tone quiet and heavy. "…And maybe not even then."

Matsuda knew how he felt—they could get revenge on Kira and bring him to justice, but they could never bring Ryuzaki back. They could never bring back any of the people whom Kira had killed.

"Light..." Chief Yagami said.

"I'm sorry," Light said, looking at them and offering a small, sad smile. "I just…" He looked away again, shoulders slumping slightly. "I wish Ryuzaki were still here."

"We do too, son," Chief Yagami said softly, and Matsuda nodded, eyes landing on the bowl of sugar cubes and remembering the way Ryuzaki would stack them, and how ridiculous it had seemed before it had become normal, and how reassuring it had become after that. "We're all mourning. You're not alone in this."

"I know," Light said, squaring his shoulders and turning back to look at them. "That doesn't excuse my outburst, though. Please forgive me." He bowed slightly, head lowered. "I should not have disappointed you all by breaking down like that."

"That's okay," Matsuda said, offering him a reassuring smile once he'd straightened back up. "Chief Yagami does that kind of thing when he gets upset, too."

Chief Yagami stuttered. "I-I-I!"

Matsuda grinned at him to show that he'd meant it in good humor—Chief Yagami could be scary when he was angry—and the chief shut his mouth, looking away. "Matsuda's right, Light," he said, and Matsuda's grin widened. "We're all overcome by our emotions at some time or another. It's understandable."

"Thank you, Dad," Light said, "Matsuda, Aizawa, Mogi…" He nodded at them before turning slightly away, a hand brushing back through his hair as he took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. "I… I'd like to be alone for a while, if that's okay," he said quietly.

"Yes," Chief Yagami agreed. "I think that's enough work for the day, anyway. We could all use the rest."

The burst of energy Matsuda had felt eased away into a sense of relief, which then faded into a feeling of emotional exhaustion, and rest of the Task Force members filed out of the apartment—all looking as emotionally drained as Matsuda felt—it struck him that Light's outburst had allowed them all to acknowledge the emotions they'd been ignoring. Their grief for Ryuzaki's death…their fears going forward… their determination and hope.

"Hey, Light," Matsuda said, pausing in the doorway and looking back at the downcast teenager who didn't seem to realize just how much he'd done for them. "Just remember that even with Ryuzaki gone, you're not really alone, okay?" They'd do everything they could for him, too.

Light didn't answer, but even Matsuda knew that he couldn't have expected him to, and he gently closed the door behind him feeling slightly better in knowing that, if Kira were to ever kill him, Light would most definitely get revenge for him.

Matsuda wished that Ryuzaki had been able to see just how much Light cared about him—if he had, he would have known for certain that Light could not possibly be Kira.

Matsuda would be the first to admit that his deduction abilities were nowhere near the level of L and Light, but even he knew that if Light were Kira then he would not be grieving Ryuzaki's death.

* * *

'That was quite the convincing performance, Light!' Ryuk cackled as soon as the door had clicked shut. 'You have them eating out of the palm of your hand!'

Light rolled his eyes, scrubbing at the tearstains on his cheeks. "I don't need you to tell me that, Ryuk."

* * *

 **END.**

* * *

 **AN:** Light's official stats say his acting skills are 10/10. And I kind of love how dramatic he gets, lol. I know we never actually saw him fake-cry, but I don't think it's beyond him, whether or not he can actually cry whenever he feels like it or if he had to keep a safety pin in his pocket and jab it into his leg or something, which I wouldn't put it past him to do in order to make his performance more believable.

I think there might have been a slight inkling of truth in some of the things he said, though... just not for the exact reasons he was portraying here...


End file.
